El!
El has been with the site for nearly two years now and has continued to prove her value. Currently, she is heading up our site event, Battle for Liberterram, on top of keeping up with her own personal plots.
CHARACTER
SPOTLIGHT
Peggy Carter!
Lux's posts are all wonderful to read. She has done a wonderful job of grasping the new universe and incorporating Peggy into it.
CHARACTER
SPOTLIGHT
Peter Parker!
It's good to see Spidey back on the site. Watching him deal with the universe shift in his own snarky way has been nothing short of entertaining.
THREAD
SPOTLIGHT
Eight O'Clock on the Dot!
El and Lux are making magic in this thread. Straight up fireworks, and the way they've played with drawing out the reveal is top class.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
It had been three months since the shift in world perspective, and James was only a little more aware of what was going on with the place. He’d spent more hours than he knew trying to figure out who he’d been in this reality, steering away from the time spent with the Starks, which seemed to encompass at least 95% of his time. He had left a message for Fury to call him, but the man seemed to be too busy to call him back. Understandable, given his position, but he was probably the only other person he thought he could count on. Any calls made to Natalia’s phone kept ringing out. After going through his contacts, Namor’s name was in there, but the message bank rolled through and after a few attempts, Bucky left a message there as well as with his secretary at Oracle, who said she’d leave a note for him. That only left the numbers actually in his phone to fall back on, and of those numbers, he only knew three.
Darcy had helped him in getting his phone back a few days after his sudden emergence in this reality, and had also helped him through the third in a series of panic attacks that overtook him in the first month of being here. Still, she couldn’t be around all the time to help him out, and neither could Steve or Jess; and eventually, James was always going to have to return to Stark tower to figure out his past, and he was hoping that he could run into Tony. Lord knows waking up to his father hadn’t worked the first time, and he was cautious to want to try it again.
Getting into Stark Tower was just as easy the second time as it had been the first time when Darcy had wrangled an intern to go up into the penthouses and get his phone and wallet. The people at the door greeted him warmly, welcomed him back, asked if they wanted to call through and let the Starks know he was coming up. He declined that. The easier it would be for him to get past Howard and Maria and look for Tony - who’s office he did ask for, and got, along with a quizzical look from the door staff. Other workers also greeted him, either with a simple ‘hello’ or a nod. He kept his face as neutral as possible and replied with his own nod to everyone. He didn’t know any of their names, or their backgrounds, and a few that looked at him without smiling or nodding were given a more severe looking over. How many people would James have to background check to make sure they weren’t HYDRA? An entire building? The entire city? That might be easier if he had Fury’s help.
Tony’s office was not like he remembered it. Large and extravagant, yes, but in completely the wrong place, on the wrong floor, with the wrong furniture. He spent a good few minutes mapping this one out before he stepped in and started to get to know it. Tony’s number was in his phone, and he supposed he could have just called it, but this was something that he felt was too personal for a phone call. It was a surprise that neither of them had seen each other in the three months since being here, but to be fair, James had been ignoring phone calls, messages, emails, and his phone and the Starks in general. Still, his search of the office came up empty and he wandered back to the elevator, closing his eyes and taking a breath when he realized he’d have to brave going back to the penthouse for the first time since he’d woken up there.
Looking down, James watched Hutch, who was constantly by his side, as the dog looked up at him and quirked his head to the side, one ear twitching curiously. James smiled briefly for the dog’s benefit. Slowly he had come to like the dog, and how close it stayed to his side. He’d even started calling it by it’s name. Reaching down to scratch between his ears, he was rewarded with Hutch trying to play with him and stood back up again when the elevator reached their level and opened. The next few floors only took seconds to go past and finally, the door opened to the penthouse and James found himself locked in place. Hutch, knowing the floor, stopped between the doors and sat down, keeping them open as he watched James work his way through the frozen moment.
After a few seconds that felt like minutes, James stepped between the doors himself and looked around the hallway in front of them. No-one there, and he stepped into the penthouse as if he were back on a mission. Head lowered as his hair had grown significantly in the last three months and he didn’t want it getting into his face. Hutch had no qualms with the place and even though James was watchful and wary of the place, Hutch trotted off down the hallway as he had done a thousand times before and disappeared behind a wall. James wasn’t about to follow him as easily, however, and stopped just outside of the entrance to the room as he heard people talking on the other side. It wasn’t Tony though.
“Everything’s fine, James.” He whispered aloud to himself. “Everything’s fine. You didn’t kill them. They’re alive. It’s okay.” Even though he was giving himself the most honest pep-talk he could, he couldn’t bring himself to push off from the wall and turn the corner. Not when his heart rate was starting to increase as much as it was.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
James had been a little out of it since that morning of both his and Tony's breakdowns, and the backtrack in his mental state was something a bit worrying to Howard. As such, he'd taken to keeping a careful eye on the formerly brainwashed bodyguard. To be honest, there were likely things that he needed to achieve in running New England, but this issue with his friend was taking priority in his mind. He'd been more than a bit of an asshole in his younger days, but he liked to think that he was making up for it now - or at least trying to.
Of course, James had been making this difficult with his general avoidance of not only Howard himself, but also what seemed to be every member of his family. The man hadn't exactly been a social butterfly since the breaking of his programming, but he also hadn't been this avoidant in a long while. As such, he made sure that the front desk at both Stark Towards was aware that they should contact him should James arrive.
So when James entered asking for Tony's office, Howard knew almost immediately. Odd that the man needed to ask for its location after so much time spent there, but some days were rougher on his memories than others, Howard knew. He and Jarvis had been in the penthouse anyway - the weekly alcohol check that Tony had insisted on after his own little breakdown - so he decided to just wait for James to make his way up, figuring that he'd check the penthouse after the office if he was looking for Tony.
Hutch rounded the corner into the living area shortly after the elevator landed on the floor and Howard glanced towards the dog with a smile. "Good boy, Hutch," he said as the dog went to settle on a dog bed near the couch, apparently waiting for James. When the man didn't follow behind dog, Howard decided to venture out and see what was wrong himself, leaving Jarvis behind to finish the cabinet search.
"James?" he asked as he entered the hallway, standing just at the corner as he watched the other man. "Are you alright over here?"
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
He could do this. He could do this. He had done this. As much as he tried to relate his experiences now to the fact that he had likely done them before in this reality, when he was confronted head on, those thoughts immediately left him and he was paralyzed. It had gotten a lot better, so much that now at least he could put his hands to his face and wipe the light sweat from between his brows. The sound of Howard talking to the dog in the other room brought him back to the moment and he leaned his head against the wall before the sounds of footsteps approached his hallway.
Even though all of his muscles told him to run when Howard spoke again, this time directly to him, James used all of his twitching muscles to remain in place, but closed his eyes and nodded as he breathed. This was a new reality, one where Howard was alive and he hadn’t… he hadn’t. Slowly, and for the first time since waking up, he opened his eyes and turned to look at Howard, losing his breath for a moment at just alive he looked. James had never seen him this clean. And now that his eyes were focused and he wasn’t running, James gaze turned piercing as he looked over his old friend. Now an older man and a father.
A nice suit, a concerned look. The wrinkles in the corners of his eyes suggested that he had lied a very full life. Laughter, worry, stress, love. All things that James had taken from his Howard. “-Howard.” He whispered, letting out a full breath on the name, knowing that even as he said it, this one wasn’t going to vanish. The complete opposite to how he’d felt when he saw Steve again. He could bear it if Howard disappeared, he would have fallen apart had Steve. After a few seconds, neither of them had moved and James realized he’d been asked a question.
“I’m- it’ll pass…. right?” Not so much a question; though he knew Howard would be able to give it an answer. “I was… looking for Tony.” So he could… apologize? To see if he was one of them? Like him and Steve and Jess? It might not have been the best response to completely skip out on the topic of his feelings right now, especially when all of the questions he had for Howard were starting to stream through his brain with very little pause.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
When James turned to look at him, it was almost as if the other man was seeing him for the first time with the wideness of his eyes and the slack expression on the rest of his face. It was all so strange, to have a man that he'd come to count on over the years to be acting this way. He'd had breaks before, where the programming seemed to re-surge or the dreams caught up to him, but this was the longest one that Howard had seen, which was what had him so worried about the other man.
"Keep saying my name like that and I'll have to conclude you're harboring a secret crush on me," Howard joked with a chuckle, hoping that it would help in getting the man on more even ground. He was used to the wisecracks and authority issues at this point, not the child-like helplessness that James was currently exuding.
He sighed a little at the question but nodded as he stepped closer to the man. "Of course it'll pass, James. It always does. You're safe and this will all pass," he replied, stopping just short of reaching out to grasp the man's shoulder. In a mood like this you could never tell how he'd react to physical contact. He used the same reassuring tone that he used when Tony was in a panic attack; something he'd honed over the years of being a father after he'd gotten his head out of his ass about it.
Smiling as James mentioned Tony, he nodded. "Tony had meetings today; he's not in," Howard replied - they always planned the alcohol search for those days. "How about you come sit in the living room? Jarvis was just about to make lunch for me and him, if you want to join us," he offered, motioning towards the living room where Hutch was still laying peacefully on his dog bed. He did hope that James would stay and he would get time to speak with the other man and figure out if there was anything that he needed Howard to do for him, but he wouldn't force the issue. That couldn't be done with stubborn minds like James'.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
In this reality, the extensive list of ills that The Winter Soldier had performed were lesser by decades, nearly thirty, by James’ count, including taking the life of one of his friend. A feat, he imagined, that had fractured his mind further and made him more capable of shooting down literally any other person alive. Once that boundary had been crossed, there was really nothing he couldn’t have killed. Except Steve. But Steve wasn’t here to help him through his interaction, it was all down to him to remain calm and look at things in a different light.
The joke that Howard attempted to alleviate the tension didn’t quite land with James, who neither laughed or attempted a smile for politeness sake. He was, after all, still coming to terms with Howard’s continued existence. While Howard stepped closer to his friend, James took in a breath and held it for longer than necessary before letting it out slowly and watching Howard reach out to touch him. Thankfully, the man pulled back short of physical contact and James looked to his face again. What was it that he and Jess and Steve had all agreed on? Try to fit into this world as much as possible. Don’t draw attention. And that he was in a very senior position to get information for them when they would need it.
“Yeah, I just-” He couldn’t lie his way out of this one, but his half-finished sentences were avenues for Howard to jump in and complete, giving James more information. It was a strategic move that he wasn't sure would work, but he had to try something and getting Howard to take charge might work. “You know.” He shrugged for effect though it still looked stiff and unnatural. Howard continued to explain why James hadn't found Tony yet and the assassin nodded. That made sense, he ran a busy company… Or did he? And James had been ignoring so much that he made a note to himself to read all of his untouched emails the next time he was at his computer. Luckily, it had still been unlocked because James definitely did not know the password if there was one.
“Right… That makes sense.” Would he ever feel comfortable talking back to a dead man? James got the sudden urge to reach out and touch him, to see if he wasn't an illusion or a hologram, but managed to remain still until the invitation tosit and the mention of food. His stomach nearly provided an answer, but James couldn't tell if the twisting was from anxiousness or his last meal having been breakfast the day before. James nodded and stepped around Howard, surveying him before he stepped through the doorway and positioned himself to be able to see the whole room and the two men. “I thought Jarvis was a computer program?” It had been, in James’ reality at least.
Moving through the room, James finally positioned himself in a chair that looked over the whole room with very little turning required to catch the parts behind him. For a second, he looked over at Hutch who was watching him curiously, ears perched forward, but was otherwise unmoved.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
The joke didn’t seem to land, which had Howard frowning. James was not the type to ignore a jab like that. He’d jab back; at least, the man that he’d grown to know over the years would have. Whatever had shaken him up had done a real number on the poor guy this time. He was practically a different person and the thought of that was certainly not comforting. Especially since James was responsible for the safety of his son, who had also been having a tough go of things lately. Quitting drinking had really done a number on him.
Howard lifted an eyebrow as James stalled out on his reply. He really didn’t know, which was strange since he’d thought they’d gotten to the point where they understood each other more than this. He sighed and shook his head. ”I don’t, but I’m sure that everything will be fine. This is a hiccup. It’s not going to break you or anything like that. You’re too stubborn for that,” he pointed out. It was something that got thrown around a lot among the people that he knew. They were all a bit pig-headed, which meant that disagreements lasted what seemed like forever.
James seemed to accept that Tony was too busy to see him at the moment, which was certainly a good thing. Part of him was concerned that the man would simply leave after taking that information in, but he eventually began moving towards the living room and Howard followed him in, shooting Jarvis a concerned look that had the other man studying James in turn.
Jarvis huffed out something akin to a laugh at James’ confused question. ”I believe you are recalling the computer program that I forced him to rename, as I didn’t wish a false version of myself spread around his homes,” Jarvis replied to the man, closing the cabinet he’d been looking through and giving Howard the alcohol all-clear.
In the meantime James ventured to a seat on a chair, Hutch studying his owner with curiosity. Howard wondered why the two of them weren’t attached as he was used to seeing them. Usually they weren’t far from each other’s sides. ”What would we like for lunch, Sirs?” Jarvis asked, looking between the two.
”Just sandwiches is fine, Jarvis. Unless James has something in mind,” Howard responded, looking towards the third man to see if he would offer a suggestion.
”I could make my Carbonara pasta. Perhaps with shrimp?” Jarvis offered a dish that Howard was pretty sure he remembered James liking. He couldn’t keep track of that kind of thing, but Jarvis did so it was possible he’d brought it up for a reason.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
Howard didn’t take the bait of an unfinished sentence, insteading waiting for James himself to finish it before responding. He’d have to keep trying, try to find a way to get Howard to answer his questions without him having to ask them. “Thank you.” He noted of the, what he assumed was a, compliment. “A hiccup, yeah. I’ve been… busy, lately. I must have been burnt out.” Maybe it was better if he just kept his mouth shut. It seemed like every time he opened his mouth, he said something wrong, but if he kept quiet for too long, he noticed that he started to slip back into a more Winter Soldier persona. Quiet and predatorily observant. He could feel it even now, but he figured that was because of his own unchecked emotions regarding the figure in front of him.
Inside the large living space, Jarvis turned to James and seemed to scoff at him. “Yeah… that’s the one.” It was one thing to have a mental break, but he definitely was having trouble trying to figure out how he was going to explain forgetting thirty years worth of people’s names. Mostly ones like Jarvis, who wasn’t even a person where he came from, and people who were dead, and those he just didn’t know. Like the woman who kept saying hello to him in the hallway every morning and night. He knew that she lived on his floor with one other male who he hadn’t seen, but had heard. In the few weeks he’d spent there, he’d started to gather a list of the other inhabitants and it seemed like so far, all or most of them could have been SHIELD employees. If Fury would answer his messages, of which James had left several, he would feel a lot more safe there.
Over the explanation, Jarvis asked them for lunch and James looked back up at the unfamiliar man. He didn’t respond, but then the attention was turned on him and he looked between Howard and Jarvis. Before he responded, Jarvis interjected and took all of the decision making away from James, thankfully. If either of them was expecting a response from him, he just shrugged and nodded at the same time. If they ate it to, he might try it, or else he’d give it to Hutch to test. Even having spent most of every hour the last few months with the dog, he wasn’t above using it to test if he was being given poison or tranquilizers. Now would certainly be a good time for HYDRA to try one of the two.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
"That's quite the burn-out," Howard replied quietly, not really sure what else he could say to that. He sighed a bit, running a hand through his hair. "Look. I know that this isn't easy, buddy. But there's plenty of people that are here for you. You just gotta tell us when something's wrong." That was the main problem that he'd discovered with the other man. He didn't like to share. Of course, neither did Howard himself. Or Tony. Or Steve. Or... anyone that James knew, probably.
Howard was becoming way more full of shit in his old age, it seemed.
"Tony pouted for about a month after I made him change it," Jarvis chuckled and Howard joined in with a shake of his head before moving to sit on the couch. He was hoping that he could talk to James a bit more and see about shaking him out of whatever funk he was currently in.
Jarvis seemed to take Jame's odd shrug and nod as a yes, since he smiled and nodded back. "Very well, sirs. I will get started on that right away. Thirty minutes or so, I believe."
"Thanks, Jarvis," Howard smiled at the man before he turned his attention back to James while Jarvis made his way to the kitchen. He looked between James and Hutch for a moment. It was strange for them to be leaving each other alone so completely. "So what's the deal here, huh? Did he eat your shoe? Your dinner? Your lover?" he asked, aiming for levity that he didn't quite feel at the moment. Not with the way everyone around him seemed to be going crazy.
And after this he'd probably have to deal with Tony's particular brand of chaos. The man had been almost manic lately. Howard blamed the lack of alcohol in his system.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
What was it that people kept telling him before? He needed to remember some of those quotes to use here. Around Howard or anyone else he might know. “I’m... sure it was just a passing thing. Everyone needs some time to themselves, right?” And three months was surely a good long time to take a holiday. How much had Namor told him in the meantime? Had he mentioned the reality displacement? That there were several people involved? Shit, did Howard know that James was full of it now? Well that just brought up a whole new folder of problems. Now he’d probably just seem like an asshole for trying to avoid the situation entirely. But… that meant that Howard was playing with him.
Howard and Jarvis both found it Tony’s displeasure amusing, although James didn’t join in with the laughter. He still didn’t know Tony that well and he knew these people even less. Jarvis took the shrug as a yes on the lunch front and disappeared into what James presumed was the kitchen. Thirty minutes. That was plenty of time. His attention diverted to Howard, who was looking at James and then Hutch. The questions, however, were directed at him. Besides the obvious confusion at the idea that James had a lover, which he reminded himself to go back to later, he looked at Hutch and then back to Howard. If the other man was playing games with him and Namor had in fact spoken about what had been going on, then now would be a good time to test their resolve. “He’s not mine.” James gaze fixed onto Howard with unflinching loyalty, though he saw Hutch shift and look up from the corner of his eye.
As soon as he’d spoken, James seemed to become a lot more comfortable that if Howard did know that he wasn’t from this reality, it would explain a lot for the man and James would have to explain less. Which also brought up the point of his hesitation around the man and before he could stop himself, James was leaning forward and asking a far more personal question. ‘Why did HYDRA send me to kill you?” It was the one question he wanted to know. That he had to know; and who could say when James might feel this comfortable enough to ask the question again.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
"Some more than most," Howard agreed carefully as he studied the other man. There was still something that just seemed... off about him. Like he wasn't quite connected to the world. Not that Howard was an expert on that kind of thing. The only thing that he truly knew well was machines, much like his son. It was what had eventually bonded them together, after Howard had gotten over himself long enough to bother with his son.
He fell quiet for long moments, letting Jarvis leave the room and James settle into the seat he'd taken. Of course, Howard couldn't stay quiet for long and he couldn't help but ask about the dog. James' answer was disconcerting, however. "What do you mean he's not yours? I was there the day you got him, James," Howard reminded slowly, not sure what else to say in the face of that. James looked so sure of his words, but Howard had been with him when he'd first gotten Hutch. He'd seen how much the dog had helped.
Shaking his head and sighing, he looked between them. "James, what's wrong?" he questioned, his voice somewhere between worried and commanding - the kind of thing one would normally use with a kid who had broken the lamp but wasn't owning up to it yet.
Howard wasn't sure that he knew what was going on with the guy, or that he could even figure it out, and the next question certainly caught him by surprise. He shifted in his seat with a heavy sigh. "Because I knew something that they didn't want me to know," he replied, "From what I was able to tell, after we turned you they wound up needing to pull a bunch of agents out of cover out of worry I could reveal them."
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
James now had two roads to go down. Either Howard knew about everything, or he didn’t. He realized now that he probably should have called Namor and asked him what Howard had been told, but that in itself would have brought up problems. It seemed he couldn’t take a step anywhere these days without something going wrong and it being his fault. It was doing a number on his head and he nodded to Howard, watching as he was studied by the older man. It felt invasive, but also not. It was likely this James’ body being used to the kind of looks he was getting from Howard now.
Howard was good, and the slight crease in James’ eyes to discern if he was playing or not didn’t leave him. He was committed, if he knew, James would give him that. “You were. I was not.” It was a slow way to break into the news if Howard didn’t know. But hell, even the dog knew that James was different. Sure it came to him when James was going into a panic attack, or stressing out, or when his anger was about to get the best of him, but otherwise, it found a quiet spot away from him and just observed. James had gotten comfortable enough with him that sometimes he would call him over and pet him, or play with him, but he still didn’t see the dog as something that was his.
Howard asked his question a split second before James had asked his, and as such, the question was answered with his own. At least the question seemed to make Howard uncomfortable, in that he shifted and sighed before responding. For the first time in the whole conversation, James looked away from Howard, into his lap. Hutch stood, knowing the intricate feeling of a flashback, but not knowing what kind and waited, tensed, for the reaction. James closed his eyes as the memory flooded back to him. A familiar wash from those he’d gotten in his reality, but these were only bits and pieces, not a whole memory. A motorbike. A car. Howard. He took a shaky breath in and curled his metal hand into a fist before he broke anything. The other hand gripped at the arm of the chair. Blue.
When the memories stopped and Hutch was standing just in front of him, he opened his eyes and stared at the dog, breathing slowly. Howard wasn’t lying, if the memories of his brief were correct, but he also wasn’t telling the whole truth. It didn’t matter, because there was truth there, and whatever he didn’t want to tell James obviously wasn’t the important part of the mission. HYDRA would have killed someone that knew too much about them or their operatives if they weren’t part of the organization. “Did I… I remember blood.” A lot of it, as happened when you punched someone enough times in the skull that they died. “How badly did I hurt you?” He had deftly ignored the wording of ‘turned’, avoiding the definition he knew in favor of the one that Howard most likely meant.
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
Howard frowned at the other man. He was certain that James had been there, because he was the one who'd decided on the dog. But at the same time... well, James did have memory problems. Perhaps that's what he was getting at. If he was having this much memory trouble, however, that could be a serious problem. Without the ability to trust James with their safety there was no telling what he could do. They'd relied on him for a long time.
He ran a hand over his face and looked at the dog as he shifted to his feet. Deciding not to speak until whatever Hutch was signaling was over, he simply studied the two of them. His reactions to Hutch weren't those of a man with a close bond to their dog. Something was definitely different. What could it be, though? What could be causing this difference, or what had caused it? How could he figure out what it was? Or fix it, even?
Eventually James surfaced enough to ask his question and Howard let out a breath. "If you really want to know..." He sighed again, standing to pace. "I hit my head, when the car crashed. You came to the door, seeming intent to finish the job, but I... recognized you. I said your name. I thought I was imagining things. You grabbed me and pulled me from the car, slammed me against the side... started... are you sure you want to hear this, James?"
For the most part James had always seemed content in his HYDRA memories being fuzzy for him. He wasn't sure what had changed now.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
Okay, he didn’t know anything. He could still be purposefully ignorant, but James doubted it. The amount of clues he’d given, Howard should have caught on by now. Which meant that James would have to adjust his own personality to fit. James ran a hand over his face and sighed, wondering what he would say next to Howard. The Howard he knew would have been excited at the prospect of travelling dimensions or realities or whatever this was, but James didn’t know how much this Howard differed from his. He was certainly younger than he should have been.
“No, I don’t.” He interrupted, slightly agitated. “I need to know.” His gaze followed Howard as the man stood and paced and even Hutch turned to follow him. This he remembered. In pieces, but he remembered. He didn’t remember the name. He remembered slamming Howard against the rear door and holding him there. “Yes.” His voice was softer as he waited for Howard to continue. This seemed to be where his life diverted paths and he had to know why. Had to know what the difference was.
The night was dark, but the skies were clear, and the intermittent street lights directed the car along its path. Speeding along behind it, catching up, was a motorbike. A bike with a mission on its back. The car crashed as the grenade went off. Smoke and sound filling the cabin as the distinct crunch of metal bounced off the trees. He parked the bike and walked to the car, tearing open the side and reaching in for the scientist he was designated to kill. Finish the mission. One strike to the head, he pulled back for the second…
And then it was blank, for half a second until he closed his eyes and saw his fist go down again, and again, and again. He felt his hand wrap around Maria’s throat. It wasn’t right, what Howard was saying. It wasn’t his. But he had to make it his. He had to adapt. “Right… right. I just… I saw it… differently. That’s what spooked me.” That sounded plausible, he thought, and looked down at Hutch who had stood when he recognized the signs of a flashback. James reached out and put a hand to his head. “It’s okay, dog. Hutch.”
I can't hide the scars I wear from a once promising affair I should have never signed that deal the wounds it caused won't heal So be careful of desire beware the tempting fire it might be fatal Can I drive this message home and save a life from going wrong, am I able?
He kept asking if James was sure he wanted to hear this, but Howard wasn’t sure that he wanted to be reliving it either. The memories weren’t exactly pleasant, even if they’d brought James, and eventually Steve, back to him. They were good men; people that Howard would always be grateful to have in his life - and in Tony’s life. The kid needed a bit of extra guidance, after all. Their relationship had been especially strained recently - Howard was pretty sure it was because he wasn’t joining the man in abstaining from alcohol.
Howard frowned as he watched James get caught up in his own memories, fists clenching at his sides at his own helplessness in this situation. This was what they’d gotten the dog for, after all. None of the Starks were all that great at emotion and sometimes the man just needed emotional support that they couldn’t give.
Eventually the other man spoke again, patting the dog in a manner that was far different than usual. His mind was beginning to go to the strange places - bodysnatchers and the like. There were probably shapeshifting aliens somewhere, right?
"I thought you were going to kill me," he admitted once the other man seemed more calm, "But then, at the last minute, you hesitated. And I jumped on that opportunity and began just talking. Shared memories. Steve. Anything I could think of. Eventually you broke out of the programming long enough to be subdued and we took you here. Continued working on it until it was gone." He wasn’t sure what else the man wanted to hear, so he sat on the couch again as he looked over at him. "You’re a good man, James," he added, not sure which of them he was attempting to reassure.
Can you tell me Doctor, why I still can't get to sleep
And night time’s just a jungle dark, and a barking M16
It took a while, and some prompting for Howard to finally relieve the memory, and for James to shut his eyes and remember what he could of it. All right up until Howard said his name. That had never bothered The Winter Soldier. Howard had been a mission, and only a mission. Maria had been a witness, and a casualty, but a necessary element to remove. He felt a wash of something akin to sickness rush through his body and assumed that it was this reality’s James reacting to the feelings. Even now he didn’t feel like he was in complete control.
James gaze flicked from the dog to Howard and he searched his eyes trying to find out at which point. In the past, or in the recent past. James wasn’t sure that he wasn’t going to kill Howard when he’d woken up; it was one of the reasons he’d run. Right, as Howard continued it all fell back into place. James sat and listened, trying to remember any part of what Howard was saying. Surely there was still something left of the James of this world in their brain. Some memory, somewhere. Something. But he kept drawing a blank. Twenty, thirty years of nothing… it made him angry, and sad, and confused. To think they could have had this back in his world. That Steve would have been out, and the both of them could have grown more, and James never would have hurt him, or Howard, or how many other people that he still couldn’t remember from his time with HYDRA. James sighed and wiped over his face with an exaggerated and heavy movement, stopping at his eyes as he breathed in again. “I want to be. I just… I don’t know how to be anymore.”
